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texas.txt
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1997-04-16
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"The Texas House of Representives has given Television Host David Letterman
10 reasons to broadcast his latenight show live from Austin's Paramount
Theatre on the hall's 75th anniversary.
The Normally rowdy House was quieted long enough for the resolution,
borrowing the countdown gimmick that Letterman often uses, to be read and
videotaped.
Once letterman views the tape, he will realize that he should telecast his
show from Auston because:
(10) The givernon has promised that Letterman will not be executed during
his visit to out state.
(9) No women in Ausrin currently claims to be married to or even a little
bit interested in Letterman.
(8) No celebrity of Letterman's magnitude has visited Auston since 1966,
when Burgess Meredith arrived in his private Penguin Plane for the world
premiere of the origional Batman movie.
(7) We could have asked Katharine Hepburn to come, but she would have
turned us down flat.
(6) A psychic channeler has determined that Letterman is thge unwitting
host for the spirit of out late President Lyndon Baines Johnson and that the
oil bust will not be over until Dave brings Lyndon home.
(5) A cowboy hat is the only headgear that can fully conceal those pesky
defects in Letterman's coiffure.
(4) The texas National guard has agreed to keep Cher and Shirley MacLaine
outside the cuty limits during Letterman's stay.
(3) Letterman will not be required to participate in Spam-A-Rama, Austin's
annual tribute to the canned meat described in the resolution as "a certain
nationally known pink rubberized food product."
(2) During his visit, the city's 750,000 resident bats will perform the
world's largest stupid urban bat trick by re-creating the astrological sign
of Letterman's choice in the skies above Austin.
(1) Throughout his stay, Letterman will be officially addressed by all
Texans as "The Great White Enchilada From Somewhere South of Poughkeepsie."
The resolution was sponsored by Republican Rep. Terral Smith in the
recognition of the theater's annicersary celebration.
Meanwhile NBC wants the latenight hipster involved in a new Saturday morning
version of NBC's kissie classic "Howdy Doody" (1947-60). The show wouldn't
premiere until midseason at the earliest.
Even though people say he looks like Howdy, Letterman would be producer, not
host.
NBC sources say that the network wanted "Late Night" bandleader Paul Shaffer
to play Howdy's sidekick, Buffalo Bob, but Shaffer declined.
An NBC spokesman denies that Letterman wants out of "Late Night" now in it's
ninth season."
----------------------------------------------------
These excerpts are from The Jokes on Texas collected by John Randolph.
First Edition, First Printing copywrite 1954.
================================
Texas once had forty-five million acres of public domain, much of which was
granted to early settlers. Some of it was granted right back to the state,
and sometimes with a note of explanation. One German settler wrote, "De
rain, it is all vind and de vind, it is all sand." Another more eloquently
wrote the land office, "Forty miles to water, twelve miles to wood, six
inches to Hell. Gone to live with my wife's folks."
================================
Slim walked into the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall.
Letter by letter he made it out: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA.
"Gosh," he said, "if that job was only in TEXAS I'd take it."
================================
Old Uncle Joad up in East Texas had a cood dog of which he was
mighty proud. The old man earned his living making coonskin caps to order.
When he got an order for a size 7 1/4, he had a board just the right length
which he put on the floor. His dog would walk around it, sniffing, then
take off to the woods and come home with a coon just the right size. Uncle
Joad had boards for every size. It was an efficient way to operate busi-
ness.
One day a neighbor saw him sitting on the porch looking mighty
sad. He was oiling up his old gun, which he hadn't used in years. "What's
the matter, Joad?" inquired his neighbor. "Whatcha oilin' your gun for?
Whar's your dog?"
"Well," said Joad, "guess I'm gonna have to do my own huntin'
from now on. You know how that old dog used to bring in coons just the
size of the boards I laid down on the floor? Well, somebody knocked the
ironin' board down on the floor last week and we ain't seen that old dog
since."
================================
Been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that haven't
learned to swim yet!
================================
Gent from Kentucky: We've got enough gold in Fort Knox to build a solid
gold fence all around Texas ten feet high and four feet thick!
Texan: Well, stranger, go ahead and build it. If I like it, I'll buy it.
----------------------------------------------------
Remember the story from rec.humor.funny last year about the BSD
daemon shirt (from the book) that got one of our local residents into so
much trouble? Some locals thought it nasty that someone should portray
demons as cute, and the wearer of the shirt made it worse when she
explained that they came from Berkeley in California and had originally
been sponsored by DARPA. It's a classic and true story that should go
down in both Texan and USENIX lore books.
----------------------------------------------------
I hear that there is a curio shop near Austin which actually
sells Aggie devices..
like a cup with the handle in inside..
an Aggie weather predicting gadget..which is nothing but a
piece of rock..Aggie leaves the rock outside his window in the
night..gets up in the morning ..feels the rock..if its wet
it probably rained during the night ..if it isn't then it didn't!
----------------------------------------------------
Honk if I'm an Aggie
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